I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
No subtext here. People are naked.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
