apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
