i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
