no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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