Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
