Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
