she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Randomize
