dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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