everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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