Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
accomplished twins. life is a go
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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