We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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