if only i could text you this smell
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
