Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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