I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
