I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
