And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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