so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize