I am spending my child support on dildos
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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