so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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