i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
