My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
