You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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