The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
