I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
