Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
