You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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