I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
