Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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