Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
