I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
