if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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