I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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