you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
