He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
