woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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