Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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