I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
