im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
