omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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