i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
