eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
someone owes me an orgasm
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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