if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Randomize
