The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
