I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
