I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
