peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
