does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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