Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
