i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
