just come out here and I will go home with you...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
