at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
