I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
