How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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