It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
