If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just want nice things and good sex
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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