He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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