ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.