You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
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you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"