Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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