I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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