if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
