I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
