i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
