did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
