So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
